Lollipop climbed her favourite tree, not noticing that the tree was very old. When she got to the top branch, it started to wiggle.
Luckily, Lilly saw the branch wiggling with Lollipop on it.
At that moment, the branch fell with Lollipop on it. Lilly caught Lollipop and said, "Now you have learnt a lesson."Well done, Emily. You can add a few things to help the readers understand the story better. Tell us about Lilly in the orientation. Explain why Lollipop wanted to climb the tree. Describe the tree.
Hi Emily
ReplyDeleteI can see you are learning to tell a story and let the reader know who, what, where and when. Your starting line gives me that bit of information.
Why was Lollipop wanting to climb the tree? Why was it her favourite tree?
What lesson had Lollipop learnt? What was Lilly doing in the backyard?
I like the way you are using adjectives to give the reader more information e.g. a beautiful city, little girls backyard and favourite tree.
ok
Deletethaink you
DeleteYou are welcome
ReplyDelete